商务英语写作实战：写出邮件的特色

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原创 王琼输出的力量


我们还可以拿邮件做的事情有哪些？在这些具体场景，让我们见证邮件的力量。
1. 有不同意见（不要吵架）
如果是吵架，我不建议写邮件，这不仅会留下证据，更会耽误时间。所以一定先以电话的方式交流，直接了解彼此的争议和冲突的焦点。但是，电话之后如果需要留下记录，那还是要把内容整理在邮件备忘录中，发给彼此，有一个总结，尤其是信息的来龙去脉更加清楚，让“口述历史”变成“文字历史”，以后查找原委也好有一个交代。
冲动是魔鬼，语出如箭，不可乱发，因为一字一句都是“案底”。但是，如果一定要写，那也要维持体面。
我们来看看特朗普给金正恩的信函吧，内容极富特色，语气坚定，使用的威胁话语也以事实和自己的立场去交流，很微妙地维持了斯文和外交礼仪。


目的：告知停止既定的会晤
三段式：
1）感谢对方并详细介绍既定会晤的缘起：哪一方发起，哪一方又做出不利于会晤的事情，从而导致会晤的意义不复存在；
2）阐明对话的重要性；
3）说明结论，号召行动。
你看，即便是“甩锅”，说明导致交流失败的原因不在“己方”而在“对方”，这封信也表达了“我本善良”、“对事不对人”的语气，用了很多事实、信息、困难，解决办法的结构。此外，还用了不少被动语态表达无奈或被迫的行动。
像之前我们介绍的一封跨部门沟通，要求对方提供信息的邮件也是一个不错的例子。
To: (Mananger) David Long, (Indian Colleagues) Suhil, Sunil Gupta, (Chinese Colleagues) Chen Bing
From: Joanna Wang
Subject: Updates of our project and key info needed from our Indian team
这封邮件把可能激化的矛盾摆在桌面上，一是汇报项目当前的进展情况；二是把需要的信息正式地提出来，让同事以及管理层明确责任在哪一方。
I am writing to update the status of our project and to request key information from our Indian team.
As Mr. David Long has been urging us to speed up the project, we have been working around clock to make sure of an on-time delivery. David has instructed us about the serious current status which may lead to a possible delay if without cooperation closely between our teams.
邮件中介绍了管理层对这个事情非常重视，也介绍了“我们非常努力在工作和沟通“。然后又指出，领导已经警示双方，如果再不配合，这个工作很可能无法按期交付。
这时话锋一转，我们可以看到笔尖像弓箭一样对准了需要配合工作的“对方”：没有“你们”的配合，这个项目依然无法推进，而现在核心的数据都在“你们”手里。
Now, we need more key information from our Indian Team, especially from Suhil and Sunil. Your input to the project is crucial to help us make it before the deadline. Therefore, we wonder if we could suggest that key information be sent to us before this Friday (June 8) so that we can catch up this weekend to see whether next Monday is possible for a tele-conference as a follow-up.
We have forwarded this message to David so that the management team can also track the progress of our project. All your expertiseis our great resource to rely on and with it, we are confident the problem will be solved soon.
邮件把瓶颈和卡壳的情况客观展示在彼此面前，没有告状抹黑或者抱怨的语气，而是就事论事。最后，还对同事“可能但尚未”提供的帮助表示感激，并且表达了放下争议、谋求快速解决问题的诚意以及能够及时完成工作的信心。
2. 申请升职加薪
这是很多人的刚需，核心是用文笔支持“我”的观点。所以，特别应该突出：事实和信息。但需要注意，你和读者（往往是领导）之间的信息是不对称的；你要说说自己的信息、别人对你的反馈、你的K.P.I.或O.K.R.绩效。
尤其重要的一点，你要多展示自己的价值，为团队、公司、他人的贡献，还要说明自己成长的历程以及收获。注意！说自己好不意味着要踩别人。再有，哪怕自己绩效一般，也要多写自己多么多努力。
最后你可以整合几个方案或提议：一是升职；二是加薪%；三是争取进修培训和学习的机会，给领导几个选项，减少他们做决策的纠结。
3. 裁员信
这是写坏消息的场景。你需要说明的是：情况如何艰难？困难挑战如何巨大？应变方式是什么？为什么裁员？一定要以最大的透明度和真诚去介绍情况和应对办法。这时，被动语态是较为合适的表达方法，体现出：困境、被迫和无奈，让读者感同身受，对挑战的情形以及最坏的结果做好准备。
4. 更高段位
文体学家Scrum说过：“Vigorous writing is concise——有力的写作都是简洁的。” 我们可以把邮件写作延伸到微信（Twitter），精简到用140个词表达清晰而准确的意思。
我曾希望微信有类似gmail邮件的指导，做一个结构化模板：Hi Stella, 明天下午4:00会议。目的：1）汇总访谈结果并交流洞见；2）分配任务到人及时间节点；期待详聊。
我们不妨多演练微信（Twitter体）；这样，应对复杂事情时能用140个英文单词的约束表达完整、符合6C标准，从而打造精准的商务英语写作能力。
下面是一个检查清单，我们不论写哪一个类型的邮件都需尽量做到：


5. 花絮彩蛋

以下还有几个例子，是我和一位美国学生的几轮邮件往来：我向他求助，他给我帮忙。我们看看从英语母语人士的邮件写作中可以学到什么。
第一轮，我的信：
Dear John,
It's been ages we haven't touched base with each other since you visited me in XX and we took a tour to XX.I hope everything is well around you, with your lovely wife and daughter.
I am writing to ask for a favor. In the past 3 years' grave impact of the Pandemic, and I have been engaged in thinking and implementing how to save our company from going broke. I have composed a lot of case studies in Chinese and English on how our clients have been applying the thinking tools to produce great ideas. I now have an English pamphlet with 30 case stories in about 22570 wordsand the HQ of XX company is interested in sharing them with other distributors in other countries for marketing purposes. I wonder, before I submit my work, if you could help me proof read as an English native speaker. If it is ok, I will pay for the editor's fee.
I am looking forward to hearing from you and if possible, yourquoted price.
Best regards,
Joanna Wang
第一轮，他的回复：
HELLO!
Wonderful to hear from you!!!
Please send some example text my way so I can get a sense for the level of editing needed. that will help me get a sense for the best way to move forward.
Looking forward to interactingon this!
I remain, etcetera,
jhs
他是我在美国里德学院教过的学生，后来获得康奈尔大学生物科技的博士，现在给中科院和我的一些朋友们修改英文论文。他写的邮件生动鲜活，句子干练，用词铿锵有力，意义通达。一个大写HELLO表达了几年没见的心情，后面几个感叹号很有画面感，好像隔着美国和英国的万里海洋，一个哇塞的表情和一个大大的拥抱传递到我面前。
第二轮：我请他给我校对稿子，他回复先看看样章，评估一下工作量，然后再告诉我交付的时间或者费用。我的邮件：
Hi John,
Indeed, it's wonderful that we reconnected.
Please find the attached file for a glimpse ofmy little book: the cover page and one case story for proofreading.
The purpose of the editing is to remove grammar, syntax andcollocation errors (the glaring mistakes), etc. to make the content readable.
The entire text has 22,970 words and if possible, the delivery time is in one or two weeks.
Hoping to work with you on this and more upcoming projects that I have been doing.
Thank you in advance.
Best regards,
他的回复：
So the text here seems to only need light editing.
Having said that, there's so many things I want to tell you about my editing/technical rhetoric company since we spoke last! For example, I've got 30 people working for me and my own next available consulting time slot is in September!
When do you need this edited by?  
Depending on the time frame....I could do this myself; I'd probably do it in short spurts over the course of about 15 days , aftermy normal consulting, and I'd do it pro bono because or 1) your company's situation and 2) my fortune for being in the right place at the right time with the right skills (i.e., the current success of my firm).
If it is a rush, then I can recommend the "level 3" service of my firm (this would be one of ~25 native English speaking, PhD level (biology) editors that do 'offline' editing for my firm. I think (but am not sure) that the current rate is 0.4 RMB/word for 7 day editing; it would be less for you because I would drop the cut that the firm usually takes. I don't do much except the 'level 1' editing, so (embarrassingly) I am not fully up to date on the rates etc.  There are also 1 day and 3 day options for level 3 editing if its a severe rush.  
Let me know what you think of these options, and we can plan more.
jhs
P.S. I can do pro bono work because I am shy (but proud) to say that my current hourly rate for consulting is 2200 rmb/hour....
爱啦！他这一唱三叹的写法真值得我们欣赏，至于是否学得来，那就另当别论了。你看，他一面告诉我，我写得还可以，需要编辑修订的地方少，这算是夸赞。
紧接着，看在我是他老师和朋友的份上愿意为我免单。开始我还不理解“pro bono”的意思，（因为我的公司叫de Bono）而“bono”就是慈善、善意，“pro bono”是为了善意而做的慈善活动。
然后他又提到，如果我要的稿子急，他可以让公司其他英语母语的生物学博士为我服务，还可以加急。这样，不经意间就显示出他的公司规模：大约有25个人为他打工。
最后，他貌似“害羞”地展示了自己的实力，告诉我他一小时的咨询费是2200元，而且空档期已经排到了9月份！
哈！多么“凡尔赛”！
不过，看在免费的份上，我也不肯让他为我校对90多页的稿子，而是抽取出来了其中的5个小章节请他校对。
他的回信让我忍俊不禁。你看，他给我帮了忙，又让我觉得欠了大大的人情，不能蹬鼻子上脸，要求太多。此外，在当下人人感觉艰难的阶段，他的公司反而异军突起，着实令人钦佩。这封邮件俏皮中带着得意，但又非常坦诚，我一遍读，一遍能想象得到他“洋洋自得”的样子。多可爱！
之后是第三轮邮件往来：我提出具体需求，他给予明确回复。我的邮件：
Thank you for your reply.
So far for the editing, I can select five stories (the same length as the sample text) for editing at your working pace, but better before early June and the rate is fine, either you do it or other colleagues can proofread.
As for the pro bono work, I am not very clear what it means. Do you want be ourconsultant on course delivery or as the language editor? I may need to talk to our HQ first but I'd be grateful if you could send me your c.v. for further cooperation.
A quick note, are you still in China or back to the States? Do you have WeChatso that we'll catch up easier and faster? You can search my account: XX.
If this works for you, I will send the deck in a day or two.
Best regards,
他的回复又给我上了一课：
pro bono means "work completed for free". I don't want to add a burden to a struggling firm!
If "before June' is the deadline, then I'll do it myself. seems like an interesting read!
Please send the files my way and I'll get work.
I have been working remotely from the UK and the USA since the plague started.  I still have an office at the National Institute of Biological Sciences in Beijing, where I am the "Director of Scientific Literature", but I've not been back to China since I left for a CNY trip in January of 2020.
I updated my phone and computer and Email is best for me.
My best,
jhs
他向我解释了“pro bono”是免费和慈善的意思，告诉我交付日期，然后介绍了他的工作，最后坚持用邮件和我交流，也就是没有答应我用微信联系的要求。这也是我们可以借鉴的委婉拒绝的方法。
这是我们最后一轮邮件：感谢。我的邮件：
Hi John,
Thank you so much foryour generosity of pro bono! Please find the attached 5 stories for editing and it's perfect to return to me in early June. If any questions arise, just let me know.
Wow! It's wonderful to see you have made such a hit with business blossoming especially in difficult times. Many congratulations! I hope to learn more about your successful stories to enlighten and encourage me.
With tons of my gratitude.
Best regards,
我写得比较煽情，表达了无比感谢的语气，而他校对完毕后的回复非常短小精悍：
Here you go! hope this is helpful.
Hope we can go back and forth as needed with drafts, etc.
My best,
jhs
收到稿子后，我又赶紧发了一封感谢邮件，这一轮的交流算是告一段落。
Dear John,
Thank you so much for your careful and candid editing on my writing andI've benefited so much from your generosity to help me out.
The precise wording, the strictannotation, and the natural collocation, all enlighten me to see the huge difference of the before-and-after version.
My thanks are really beyond words!
Thank you and best regards,
这是必须要感谢的，但对方是否再次回复则没有必要了。于是，一个完整的邮件往复过程就呈现在你们面前，如何启动，发出邀请；如何推项目，如何有来有往，确定成果和时间；最后一定表示无比的感谢之情。
完成！
6. 小结
邮件写作的高级段位实际上是为人的艺术以及与人沟通的高级段位。虽然you “交换”；但如何能够“获取”——“要得到”，还是要看“给予”——“怎么给”。这是基本原理，就像销售一样，能把东西卖出去，还能把钱收回来。高段位的写作是把信息或情况给出去，还能把支持的行动要回来。我们需要打造的能力是：态度友善诚恳、方法曲直相间，正直有担当，同时又顾及对方的体面和尊严，共同把事情办成，把问题解决。


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